┌────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┐        
───┤ This text comes from IMPHOBIA Issue XI - December 1995 ├──────────────────
   └────────────────────────────────────────────────────────┘

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):                                     
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include <nonsense.h>                                                          
include <lies.h>                                                              
include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */              
include <process.h> /* For the court of law */                                
 =                                                                            
                                                                              
define say(x) lie(x)                                                          
define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE                               
define next_year soon                                                         
define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version                    
 =                                                                            
                                                                              
void main()                                                                    
                                                                              
 if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)                                     
 {                                                                            
   if (there_are_still_bugs)                                                  
     market(bugfix);                                                          
   if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)                                        
     raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);                              
 }                                                                            
 while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)                                      
 {                                                                            
   make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in          
                                                   lie.h */                   
   if (rumours_grow_wilder)                                                   
     make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);                              
   if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)                                              
   {                                                                          
     market_time=3Dripe;                                                      
     say("It will be ready in one month);                                     
     order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);                     
     order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);                  
     order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);                    
     vapourware=3DTRUE;                                                       
     break;                                                                   
    }                                                                         
 }                                                                            
 switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)                                   
 {                                                                            
    case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:                                               
      say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just                   
           testing");                                                         
      break;                                                                  
   case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:                                   
      say("Yes it will work");                                                
      ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);                                 
      pretend(there_is_no_problem);                                           
      break;                                                                  
   case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:                               
      say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"                 
          " the 32 bits architecture");                                       
      inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");                       
      inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"                          
             "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");          
      inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will                  
                       triple");                                              
      get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);                                 
      break;                                                                  
    case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:                               
      say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for                 
           everyone");                                                        
      register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);                                    
      when(time_is_ripe)                                                      
      {                                                                       
        arrest(journalist);                                                   
        brainwash(journalist);                                                
        when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)                            
        {                                                                     
          order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");                
          release (journalist);                                               
        }                                                                     
      }                                                                       
      break;                                                                  
  }                                                                           
  while (vapourware)                                                          
  {                                                                           
    introduction_date++; /* Delay */                                          
    if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)                      
      break;                                                                  
    say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);                               
 }                                                                            
 release(beta_version)                                                        
 while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)                           
 {                                                                            
   bills_bank_account +=3D 150*megabucks;                                     
   release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);                                 
   introduce(more_memory_requirements);       =                               
                                                                              
   if (customers_report_installation_problems)                                
   {                                                                          
     say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");               
     if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)                  
     {                                                                        
       ignore(customer);                                                      
       order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this              
                                             bastard");                       
     }                                                                        
   }                                                                          
   if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )                    
   {                                                                          
     divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);                    
     wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);                                          
     marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);                              
     devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);                        
     if (boobies_start_to_hang)                                               
       dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);                             
   }                                                                          
   if (there_is_another_company)                                              
   {                                                                          
     steal(their_ideas);                                                      
     accuse(company, stealing_our_ideas);                                     
     hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */                               
     wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);                 
     buy_out(other_company);                                                  
   }                                                                          
 }                                                                            
 /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all               
    angry at us */                                                            
 order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);                    
 buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);                                        
 laugh_at(everyone,                                                           
 for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version=      
                                                                              
    );                                                                        
                                                                              
 =                                                                            
                                                                              
void bugfix(void)                                                              
                                                                              
 charge (a_lot_of_money)                                                      
 if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)                        
   say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");                               
 if (still_complaints)                                                        
 {                                                                            
   ignore(customer);                                                          
   register(customer, big_Bill_book);                                         
   /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/                           
 }                                                                            
                                                                              
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Henrik Stig Mcller                                                             
e-mail: hsm@if.dk                                                              
WWW: http://www.if.dk/hsm