%CLS
`3 You pull a dusty book from the shelves and look at the cover.  It says:

                       `1 ----------------------
                       `% A TALE OF TWO CRAZIES!
                       `7 Written by Mike Snyder
                       `1 ----------------------

`3 You wince at the title and quickly ask Shakespeare where on Earth the
`3 Hospital dredged up this masterpiece.  He shushes you and grabs a feather
`3 duster in his continued effort to arrange the books and make the library
`3 look nice.  You shake your head and return to the book.

%KEY
%CLS
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------
`5 It was the best of rhymes... it was the worst of rhymes.  In fact,
`5 it was simultaneously good and bad, the bad having good merit, and the
`5 good having a somewhat bad overtone.  At places, the good was mixed
`5 with the bad, and in other places, the two were entirely separated.
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------

`3 "ACK!" You say out loud.  "This book sucks!"  Shakespeare shushes you
`3 again.  You frown a little, and decide what to do next.

`6       Will You: `%1 `8 `7Continue reading the horrid literature
`6                 `%2 `8 `7Close the book and forget about it
`6                 `%3 `8 `7Tear the crazy book to shreds

%COM 3
Read1
Close1
Tear1
%ESC

%TEAR1
%CLS
`3 In a mad frenzy, you tear pages from the book, laughing all the while.
`3 This, Shakespeare notices.  Being the well-adjusted mental patient he
`3 is, Shakespeare promptly summons two large interns.  They inject you
`3 with something that knocks you out quickly, and haul your limp body to
`3 the Shock Therapy room.  The treatment, fortunately, is mild, and you
`3 are back on your feet in no time.  Bet ya won't try THAT again!

%ESC

%CLOSE1
%CLS

`3 You decide the book is definitely not worth it, so you close it, place
`3 it neatly back onto the bookshelf, and nod to Shakespeare.

%ESC

%READ1
%CLS
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------
`5   The rhyme about which I speak was called "`#I'm NOT Your Momma`5"  It
`5 was written over a span of two centuries by two very intellegent (and
`5 surprisingly old) men by the names of Z. Hammil and H. Zammil.
`5   Zammil, sipping a thimble-full of cool-aid one day, received a very
`5 odd phone call from someone he didn't know.  For well over an hour he
`5 argued with the party on the line, desparately insisting that he was
`5 NOT the old woman's mother.  Why he didn't just hang up, no one knows.
`5 Nevertheless, it inspired him to begin "I'm NOT Your Momma" (previosly
`5 titled "If I could reach through that phone I'd strangle you, you
`5 hard-of-hearing, wrinkled-up old bag, and for the last time I'm NOT Your
`5 Momma", which his editor shortened to simply "I'm NOT Your Momma").
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------

%KEY
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------
`5   Hammil, on the other hand, after receiving a similar call from the same
`5 old woman, promptly hung up the phone and went about his business.
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------

`3 Somehow, you feel the force of your own crazy mind taking over the story
`3 at that point (kind of cool, huh?)

`6    Pick: `%1 `8 `7Zammil meets Hammil at the local Toy Store
`6          `%2 `8 `7Zammil calls Hammil to complain about the phone call
`6          `%3 `8 `7You close the stupid book and forget about it

%COM 3
ToyStore1
PhoneCall1
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%ESC

%PHONECALL1
%CLS
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------
`5   Being very close friends, Himmal Zammal called Zimmal Hammil to begin
`5 complaining about his recent phone conversation.
`5   "Shut Up!" Hammil screamed into the phone on that fateful day.  "She
`5 wasn't a nuisance at all.  Are you some kind of moron?"
`5   "Oh yeah, you crusty old cow," challenged Zammil.  "How about if I
`5 drive my crusty old Mercedes right up..." But at that time Zammil's wife
`5 interrupted the conversation by yelling severly at him.
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------

`6    Pick: `%1 `8 `7Hammil goes over to Zammil's place to thrash him
`6          `%2 `8 `7Zammil changes his name to "Pierre"

%COM 2
HamToZam1
Pierre1
%ESC

%TOYSTORE1
%CLS
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------
`5 As fate would have it, the two of them collided in the toy store the
`5 very next day.  Hammil punched Zammil and told him to watch where he
`5 was going, but then the two began to behave like the old friends they
`5 were.  After that, they began work on "I'm NOT Your Momma," which was
`5 to be a landmark in American Poetry."
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------

`6    Pick: `%1 `8 `7Close this book before it totally rots your mind
`6          `%2 `8 `7Continue reading about the start of the Poem

%COM 2
Close1
Read2
%ESC

%HAMTOZAM1
%CLS
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------
`5 Not at all pleased with the threat of having a Mercedes Driven up....
`5 Hammil hastily hops into his beat-up '82 Escort to go instruct Zammil
`5 about the error of his ways.  But upon arrival, his mood is softened,
`5 and the two of them begin to work on The most reknowned poem ever.
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------

`6    Pick: `%1 `8 `7Close this book before it totally rots your mind
`6          `%2 `8 `7Continue reading about the start of the Poem

%COM 2
Close1
Read2
%ESC

%PIERRE1
%CLS
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------
`5   "Woman, you're driving me crazy!" Zammil Yelled.  His wife just smiled
`5 and offered him a jelly biscuit.  "I don't WANT a jelly biscuit!" Zammil
`5 retorted.  "Can't you see I've just been through a major trauma, after
`5 talking to some old woman for well over an hour, trying to convince her
`5 I wasn't her Momma?"  His wife smiled once again and offered him a
`5 bag of marbles.  "Woman!  Are you not aware that I am at this point
`5 mentally distressed?"
`5   "Yes, that's why I was giving you a bag of marbles, you clod."
`5   After that, Zammil moved to Tibet, changed his name to "Pierre", and
`5 never did write the poem he was destined to.
`#                                                The End...
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------

`3 You close the book, wipe a tear from your eye, and give silent applause
`3 to Zammil's bravery.

%ESC

%READ2
%CLS
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------
`5 At Zammil's house, Hammil and Zammil put pen to paper to begin the most
`5 famous epic poem of all time.  Here is a small section:

`2         How many times, oh how many times
`2           Must I repeat this to you
`2         If I can not convince you this
`2           Then what else can I do?
`2         If I've said it once, I surely know
`2           I must have said it ten
`2         But just because you're so darned deaf
`2           I'll repeat it once again
`2         I should not now, nor should I ever
`2           be subjected to such trauma
`2         Why can't you just understand
`2           Woman, I'm NOT Your Momma!
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------

%KEY
%CLS
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------
`5 With Hammil's help, Zammil composed over eleven-hundred pages (single
`5 spaced, mind you) in the epic "I'm NOT Your Momma."  It has since been
`5 regarded as a masterpiece, and is taught in high schools around the
`5 world as required reading.  (Shortly thereafter, the population of area
`5 insane asylums trippled, but nobody has proven that the two are related).
`5 This has been "A Tale of Two Crazies."  Thanks for reading.  It's a true
`5 story you know.  I didn't just make it up -- you can't invent that stuff.
`1------------------------------------------------------------------------

%ESC

